I'm thinking of expanding my inventory to include some medical appliances as well as the pharmaceuticals I'm now 'promoting' (ahem). A good multi-purpose tool would go a long way toward increasing the bottom line and adding the security of diversity. (also, the knowledge of the use of such tools might come in handy should I ever got caught with the (ahem) pharmaceuticals!)

There has been some competition between Black and Decker, Skil and Craftsman - no final decision has been made to date. I'm thinking my first investment will be as seen below. "Dan's Power-Rooter" could just be the answer for nasal congestion, irregularity or excessive belly-button lint! Of course, when used for nasal congestion there will be a surcharge for excessive depth resulting in Roto-Lobotomy!

Look for it at your local store in the near future!

Life

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

For you flyers

Volunteers are lining up for the new FAA "Pat down/Rub down/Grope fest" screening program. This is being rushed through faster than a medical bill in congress to thwart the epidemic number of airline terrorist incidents (what, 2 in 10 years - and that's why you rake off your shoes now?).

The program will be just as it is titled, an extensive "feeling" for hidden explosives, chemicals and sousa phones being smuggled onto the world's airliners. Because of initial complaints, the screeners will be of the opposite sex from those being screened. First time flyers may envision Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders of Chippendales, but here are the first wave of those lining up for the new federal jobs:

,,,and some days you just get an early Christmas present

Don't know who gave it to me and really could care less, but it feels like somebody's sitting on my chest and won't get off.

This is about what it feels like:

And later this afternoon I get to pre cook some of the stuff for tomorrow (sweet potatoes for the casserole, stuff like that).

Our tradition for the past many, many years is to have yeast-raised waffles in the morning, while the dinner/supper is cooking. It has to sit overnight for the yeast to work - I think it's on my recipe list on the main website.

If not, ask and I'll send it to you.

Mucinex worked for about 3 hours and cleared some of the stuff out, but it's starting to wear off and I can't take any more for a total of 12 hours. The old standby, Alka Seltzer Plus is sitting here cheerfully fizzing at me. Guess I better drink it and take another nap before I have to cook the sweet potatoes.

Wish me luck - and keep washing your hands!

O.K., well sometimes you just get busy

And then some days you just can't think of anything!

I just needed another treatment with this:

And you thought politicians invented everything!

Well, it took all day...

...but the following event just triggered something:

Went to the print shop I usually chose for our Christmas letter (trying to keep local business up).

They always do a good job at a reasonable price. Our printer is inkjet, so it leaves pages very wet and smudgeable when printing hi-res color stuff. Their laser is just the ticket.

I create the letter, save the file and put it on a little "computer stick thingie" and march in to the shop.

"No problem, here's a sample for you to check."

"Looks good, make me 50 copies."

(40 minutes later)

"You might want to sit down, my computer won't send it to the printer."

(Best Terminator voice)

"I'll be back."

(3 hours later) (give them lots of time, maybe they'll get it done)

Perfect product delivered.

It's nice to know my computer isn't the only one that periodically won't talk to the printer, loses the 'driver' or just sits down and pouts. No matter how expensive your computer system or printer is, there will be a breakdown at the most inconvenient time!

Back to stone tablets....?

So many other choices!

Why are you reading this when you could be doing something soooo much more productive?

Just a simple search, don't remember what I was looking for, but this find has REALLY 'changed my life' (as they all say on those exercise equipment commercials).

Let's not waste any more of your time and get right to the other options. You could be spending your valuable time reading:

Option 1

Option 2

Option 3

Option 4

Should I go on?

I thought not....

Last minute??

Why do they call these "last minute" gifts. Sheesh, there's almost a week left to go before Christmas and as somebody famous once said, "I have not yet begun to shop!".

This may look a little lazy, but I found one place that may get all my business from now on. If you get a duplicate, just 're-gift' it - but please, not to me...I already have a lot of this stuff!

http://www.findgift.com/Gift-Types/Wacky/

Here's a really good one - the King-Kong 'Pick-a-Sneeze':

It was almost a toss-up between this one and the 'Nasal Shower Soap Dispenser'...

Shopping

This has nothing to do with Christmas shopping, it’s just an overall observation by someone who would rather undergo a root-canal than take a trip to Walmart.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when you just HAVE to buy things and can’t get out of it. Knowing what you need and getting it is vastly different than just cruising the isles looking for inspiration. Find what you know you need and get out!

I’d never be able to wander the halls of some shopping mall wondering what I was going to get for someone (or even myself) for hours on end, or even a few minutes. The same goes for picking up every shirt on a rack to gaze at it, even though they are all the same color and pattern, and often all the same size. Never have understood that!

If I AM forced to “help”, I usually get a cart and lean on it, mind wandering, until someone has to come back and get me where I stand. Never fails, she goes through the narrowest opening in racks, or passes some “plus, plus size” shopper and I have to backtrack three or four isles, inevitably being ‘lost’ for many minutes after that detour.

Lots of times I just “park” with my cart, trying to find somewhere out of the way. It NEVER fails that wherever I am, someone wants what’s right behind me. I swear, if I was standing in front of a display with this sign

PETRIFIED HUMAN FECES

$2,000 / oz

someone would want to shop for that! I’ve even LOOKED for the Petrified Human Feces display to park my cart – all in vain.

Oh, and by the way, it’s a CART! A “buggy” is what you put a baby in!

This is for you, Hollie

Blinking...

The Legend:

Of the many stories associated with the guillotine, one theme continues to dominate, receiving comments from historians, scientists and students of urban legend: does a victim's head remain alive, albeit for a small period of time?

Many Historical Accounts:

The guillotine was invented as a humane and painless method of execution, one that brought an instant death: could the inventors have been wrong? Plenty of anecdotes have been used by all sides, many of them dating from the French Revolution, one of the guillotine's most prolific periods. Scientists who asked their students to watch and record how many times they blinked (the scientists themselves being guillotined), murderers who tried to speak, and rivals who bit each other while their heads were in a bag; all have been cited at some point. One famous tale concerns Charlotte Corday, the killer of Marat, whose cheek supposedly reddened after the executioner slapped it even though, at that point, she was just a severed head being held up to the crowd.

The Medical Answer:

The current medical consensus is that life does survive, for a period of roughly thirteen seconds, varying slightly depending on the victim's build, health and the immediate circumstances of the decapitation. The simple act of removing a head from a body is not what kills the brain, rather, it is the lack of oxygen and other important chemicals provided in the bloodstream. To quote Dr. Ron Wright "The 13 seconds is the amount of high energy phosphates that the cytochromes in the brain have to keep going without new oxygen and glucose" (Cited from urbanlegends.com, no longer extant). The precise post-execution lifespan will depend on how much oxygen, and other chemicals, were in the brain at the point of decapitation; however, eyes could certainly move and blink.

Do You Remain Aware?:

This solely technical survival forms only part of the answer; the second question is 'how long does the victim remain aware?' While the brain remains chemically alive, consciousness can cease immediately, caused by the loss of blood pressure or if the victim is knocked unconscious by the force of the decapitating blow. If that weren't to happen immediately, an individual could in theory remain self-aware for part of the thirteen-second period. There is no consistency in this answer, as the precise length of both actual, and practical, survival will vary depending on the victim. Of course, this applies to many forms of swift decapitation, and not just to the victims of the guillotine.

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. 'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied. 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, ' Ontario '.

'Really?', she said. 'I have family in Ontario.'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Just as easy as I remember

You ever get that feeling that nobody is listening to you? Ever see one of your ideas published by someone else. Ever wonder why something so simple could get anybody's attention? Ever wonder why you were reading this?

Mathematician Finds Formula for Perfect Parking

For those versed in the skill, parking a car is a bit intuition, a bit art. To a London professor, however, it's all mathematics and variables.

Simon Blackburn of London's Royal Holloway College has developed a mathematical equation for finding the perfect parking spot.

A balance between the radius of the car's curb-to-turning circle, it's wheel base and length, the formula explains precisely how much space you'll need to squeeze into even the tightest position.

According to an article in the London Telegraph, the formula was released after a Vauxhall survey showed 57 per cent of commuters lacked confidence in their parking ability. The survey also notes that 32 per cent of motorists would rather drive further from their destination or to a more expensive car park, purely to avoid squeezing into a small space.

The average driver will find the array of square roots, brackets and symbols more confusing than the driving task at hand.

Professor Blackburn said, "Parking the car is something that most of us do on a daily basis — and we all get a little frustrated with it sometimes. This was the perfect opportunity to show how we can apply mathematics to understanding something that we all share."

"The formula and our advice can help people understand what good parallel parking involves," he explained.

The formula begins by using the radius of a car's turning circle and the distance between the vehicle's front and back wheels. Then, using the length of the car's nose and the width of an adjacent car the formula can tell exactly how big a space needs to be for your car to fit.

By applying this to basic parking guidelines, you can work out exactly when to turn the steering wheel to slide in perfectly.

Here's the formula - you decide for yourself:

And on the lighter side:

Just a little philosophy to start the week:

It takes a wise man to learn from his mistakes, but an even wiser man to learn from others.

If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are.

When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.

Water and words... Easy to pour, impossible to recover.

To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.

You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.

U = mgh

(Potential energy = mass times gravity times height)

The simplest way to understand this is, “The more you weigh and the farther you fall, the harder you hit”. Or, if you need more, here’s the roller coaster link:

http://adventure.howstuffworks.com/roller-coaster3.htm

This is another basic lesson in our world of flight series. (Where did this come from?) We’ll assume you’ve put the throttle full forward, where it belongs, and leave it there.

You can have Airspeed (the more the merrier and you can never have too much), or you can have Altitude (another good thing, but when you run out of it…..well, you know the rest). When you want altitude you give up some airspeed to get it. If you have a lot of altitude, you can get more airspeed by ‘spending’ some of the height. Life’s full of compromises and this is just another of them. It’s also what you need to know to perform against an aerial threat and keep from being…..well, you know.

One other gremlin waiting for you in this endeavor is turning. Turning kills speed, and the harder you turn, the more speed you lose. Sometimes you just have to turn, but if you can afford to turn easy instead of hard, you’ll lose less speed. And you want as much speed as possible, cause you might have to trade it for altitude, boy is this complicated!

Which brings me to the point of all this - - - STAY OFF YOUR DAMN BRAKES WHEN YOU GO DOWN THE HILL IN FRONT OF ME, YOU’RE GIVING UP ALTITUDE AND GETTING NOTHING OUT OF IT! WHEN YOU GET TO THE BOTTOM, YOU’LL NEED ALL THAT FREE SPEED TO GET UP THE OTHER SIDE! ARE YOU THAT STUPID???

O.K., the Valium helped. Isn’t it neat how one principle in life can be of benefit in another? We shouldn’t need to learn everything from hard knocks should we? Better yet, just stay off the road when I’m out driving – I’ll let you know when you can bumble out again.

You just had to ask, didn’t you?

AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though It sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....

Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

And now for the serious stuff

Here are some examples of the declining economy:

1. The economy is so bad... That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

2. The economy is so bad... I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

3. The economy is so bad... That CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

4. The economy is so bad... If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

5. The economy is so bad... Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

6. The economy is so bad... McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

7. The economy is so bad... Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

8. The economy is so bad... A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

9. The economy is so bad... Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

10. The economy is so bad... Motel Eight won't leave the light on anymore.

11. The economy is so bad... The Mafia is laying off judges.

12. The economy is so bad... Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

Well, some days you just cut and paste!

Energy Maneuverability

Here’s one that’ll get you going in the morning:

I’m sure you all recognize this old familiar formula for calculating Specific Power from Thrust, Drag, Weight and Velocity. It’s otherwise known as the Energy Maneuverability Theory.

Really neat formula, and very easy to compute in your head while trying to avoid getting shot out of the sky! What it really does is help engineers build new airplanes after they find out the old ones didn’t have enough Energy Maneuverability and got shot out of……well, you know the rest.

This formula lets you create a really neat chart (the “Envelope” they talked about in “the Right Stuff”, if you saw that) that shows what your airplane can do. Take your dhart and overlay it with somebody else’s chart, and where they don’t match up – well, that shows where one of you have an advantage. You can do something he can’t! All ya’ gotta do is get and stay there and you’ve theoretically won! It may show up as airspeed or altitude, but unless you’re flying the same make and model, there’s a difference somewhere.

Now, if you’re flying the same make and model - - - well, you’re gonna’ win, ‘’cause nobody’s as good as you, right?

Of course, you might run into one of those guys who's gonna' find a way to win no matter what he's flying, so just sit back and enjoy it.....

(With thanks to Col John Boyd)

And you thought I had too much time on my hands!

Well, I've been looking for it - not all at once or not too hard, since I tire easily - for a long time now. Sometimes I look for it a little at a time and there are periods when I don't look at all - I just don't feel like it.

Seems like when you slow down you search, things just come to you. That's the way this happened - one mis-typed Google search and there it was:

Structured Procrastination!

And now you know the rest of the story.....

Too full for your own good?

Sometimes we are so full we have difficulty learning.

Here is a useful story.

Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen.

Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full, and then kept on pouring.

The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. "It is overfull. No more will go in!"

"Like this cup," Nan-in said, "you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?"

The one thing I must learn each day is how to be the empty cup.

The NEXT conspiracy theory

Bought a new package of TP over the weekend (can NEVER run out, don't 'cha know) and installed the first roll this morning - I know, what kind of post is this - just bear with me.

As I sat on the "thinking chair" (from which all inspration ultimately comes) I noticed that the roll wasn't smaller in diameter or, probably, number of sheets (I didn't roll it out to count....this time), but it was, in fact, narrower!

This in itself isn't much of a problem for me, being somewhat typically male and having less of a "following". I don't remember many times, if ever, using the entire width of said paper in the first place (or any other place, either). It CAN pose a problem to those more "anatomically endowed" who trust this product to protect delicate digits in a somewhat undignified duty.

Immediately my suspicions ran to yet another conspiracy theory by "whoever starts those things" about the shrinkage of related products for and maintenance of this physical attribute. Now bicycle seats will get even narrower (I haven't been able to comfortably sit on one of those since Pee Wee Herman-style bicycles went out of style), theater seats will be closer together and more popcorn will be spilled (adding to the likelihood of serious falls), and even bikini bottoms will get smaller (wait, they can't, can they?).

Butt reduction surgery will be the next greatest epidemic in this country and with the cuts in health care and increase in doctor fees, we'll have the next great crisis facing mortal man - too much ass {wait a minute - I already ragged on politicians recently, didn't I? - well, they're gonna get it again anyway!}

US auto makers can now continue to decrease the size of their cars (nobody's buying them anyhow), right up to the point that the "bigbutts" won't fit anymore, then we'll all be driving single-seaters (wait a minute, what will this do to car pools - we're all supposed to join them, aren't we? I joined one a while back and now I have to go lots of places I don't even want to go and sometimes have to wait all day at somebody's business just because one of the people in the car pool works there. I don't think car pools are for me!)

Maybe there is still a possible solution - genetic engineering. Yeah, that's it, we'll just "breed out" the wide ones and keep the narrow style going. There'll be more room in the bed as progress is made in this research, so results will be exponential and eventually we'll all fit together more comfortably.

Ooh, is this genetic engineering a politically correct topic? Have I stirred up yet another hornet's nest of controversy? Maybe this whole 'narrow toilet paper' topic will take more thought. Well, you know where you can find me!

This just about says it all...

In keeping with the politically correct atmosphere, here's your "Winter Festival" card:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday(tm), practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

A cheerful heart is good medicine.....(Prov 17:22)

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! (oops!)

Conspiracy Theory

Wow! I don't think I could top these guys:

http://www.fightcleanenergysmears.org/

of course, I CAN come up with some pretty good ones on my own, but I'm starting to ask "why?" when I can just look there.

Oh, and there is no truth to the rumor about our government.....

With just a scan of the news...

(With apologies to Daniel Bernoulli)

We now have Bernanke's Principal which states: "Money goes faster when squeezed through the roadblock of Congress."

Look up Bernoulli on Google if you need further explanation, it's just too 'taxing' to describe after watching the news.

I guess the loop to the bottom is a 'safety valve' in the original design. Funding for this was cut out of the final bill....

First and best test

There are some things just better left alone!