Excerpts from one of my heros

Steven Wright

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

And this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJCMjJwIGxY