She was so ugly, I think she fell out of the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down!

Unused Space?

Oxymoron #28

Unused Space

If it was used, it wouldn't be space - there would be something there. Which leads to:

Oxymoron #29

Empty Space

See Oxymoron #28...

Shit!

I just did the dishes and Judy's coming home today......

Quick, put some back in the sink, don't want to create the wrong impression!!!

Caught in the act!

Did I mention before how much I hate painting?

Well, here it is....

...and this is the EASY end!

I HATE painting!

Did I mention that I hate painting? Well, I do!

The Pecan Tree

Has been reduced to a neat pile of firewood (should be dry in about 2 years, just in time for the new owner to burn).

All it took was some 'wobbly knee' time on the 24' ladder holding the chainsaw above my head to make a nice straight, clean cut (yeah, right).

Oh, and the day-and-a-half to cut it all up and stack it!

The pile of little branches, leaves and pecans is almost as big as the 3+ year pile next to it....

Oh, and I had another glass of milk from the same carton and didn't get that neat-o, reminiscent feeling this time - - - could it have been the chunks???

Well, when you've got two blogs...

...you just gotta update them both, don't you?

And, when you're zeroed in on one subject, the ideas just seem to follow - don't they?

Anyway, here's the follow-on: (You can click on the picture to get closer. And read the 'fine print'.)

It never ends!

Gotta clean.

Gotta paint (inside and out).

Gotta replace the oven.

Standing outside with the dogs last night after dark I hear the cracking/crashing of 'something'. I'll check it out in the morning - how bad can it be?

Morning comes, out go the dogs and the barking starts. I thought it was the Red Horde coming over the back fence. Lean out a little farther and see this:

Nice big pecan tree decides to drop a big branch right out of the middle. Next problem is, it's THROUGH the branches of the level below it. If that one goes, it splits the trunk right to the ground.

Wonder what this one's gonna cost me????

Check your clearance

No, not the taxi or takeoff clearance, the finger clearance:

Once you get the window started up, don't wrap your fingers over the top of the lower half and really "heave" upwards with the other hand. The window stops abruptly and the throbbing begins....

This rapidly halts cleaning for the day - it looks just fine the way it is. In fact, it looks good about half-way open, too!

Did I mention...

...that it's been hot?

Even the cats and dogs are melting!

Oops, this is from last summer. I forgot that it was also hot then. Guess it's not such big news, huh?

Anyway, it's been hot...

It just ain't workin'

I'm tryin' to think, but nothin's happenin'.....Curley Howard.

Maybe this is what happened"

Quote of the day!

"If I use the bathroom as a guest at someone's house and realize that the toilet paper is installed backwards (toward the wall), I get up and leave. No wiping, no goodbyes... I just leave."

It just pays to be picky!

But then there's always the alternative...

New Facebook entry...

...to compete with others who chronicle their whole existence:

While contemplating my belly button this morning,

I thought about weaving my saved-up lint into something,

But I guess I'll just keep trying for that "inspector" job.

You know, just doing my part to keep the planet clean.....

It's a tough job, but.....

Regarding...

The account's new, it's the same old me.

Damned Hackers......

Quick Google image search...

Look up "forbidden" on Google images and see what you can find.

It all started with a little sign:

Which turned into a nightmare:

And just got weird-er from there:

Some places where you can't eat are topped by:

places where you can't sleep. There are even some places:

Where most 'things' can't go. To places:

Where you can't even die!

I got it, let's just prohibit EVERYTHING!

Oh now, this may be going too far...

And I wonder how they got this picture???

Finally a sign that makes some sense - but just who is going to abide by it?

Here's some almost unrelated thoughts for the day

There just ain't anything "almost" about this one:

I can't figure how I got on the 'food theme', must only type when hungry...

Anyway, starting with a fresh loaf of bread, sliced with astounding accuracy....

we make the world's most delicious MAYONNAISE SANDWICH!

But, what could be more appetizing than somebody walking by with the world's worst case of 'stinky foot...

So we get out the decal and put it back on the truck....

But, how in the world...

did we end up with bubble bath that smells like MONKEY FARTS!!!!!

Now, you can't dispute that this was one of the most "random" of the bunch

('bunch' - get it???)

Latest in airport security

The new procedure will ensure TOTAL compliance:

And, as always, there will be a few protesters.

Oh well...

And when all else fails...

...somehow we ended up on a never-ending "food theme", so here's some remedies for you:

The "pink stuff" comes in handy when it gets really bad:

These are handy in your pocket:

You may find this in the medicine cabinet:

But there's always one "old standby" every house should have:

So, to continue with the food theme...

...I've decided to take up "Florestry"

(that's the art of flower arranging, isn't it?).

Here we have the first entry - the Bacon Rose:

Gee, wonder what's next?

Can I replace my tires with spaghetti????

And....

...sausage-and-pomegranate pie for dessert:

Wonder if...

...I really CAN make a squid-and-retebaga casserole???

Another good idea lost to somebody else

When will other people stop stealing my great ideas?

Here's another one I came up with, then found on this stupid ol' internet:

http://www.europeancuisines.com/Irish-Boiled-Bacon-Pork-And-Cabbage

Just haven't had anything to post lately...

...then I realized I'd been wearing my hat backwards.

It took me the longest time to figure it out, then it hit me - the backwards hat was SUCKING OUT any original thoughts or rational thinking I might have!

Now it's starting to all make sense (once I got that damn hat off!) how so many of those people you see with their hats on backwards can be soooooooooooooo stoopid!

Kind like the guy above shading his eyes when he has a perfectly good hat to do the same thing - IF ONLY HE'D TURN IT AROUND!

Now, how many other problems can this epidemic be causing?

I'll have to think about this and see if I can come up with ideas - - - - - - Hmmmmmmmm?

You know it's Monday when...

...your "Egg McMuffin" is a little 'stale'...

New dog

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him
"Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license,
I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said,
"But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine
years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a
strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the
minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I
said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my
whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't
want to hear about my personal life and would not
marry us in his church. I told him everyone would
enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were
married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is
barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the
dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told
the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and
a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the
motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't
understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The
clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the
competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I
told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You
don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on
TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to
fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I
had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I
was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking
all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I
was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I
said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next
Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and
had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever
foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my
first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has
been my best friend all my life but now it has left me
for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand
that sex isn't a man's best friend.
So why don't you get yourself a dog."

Hardware store revenge???

WARNING :

Only Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.



Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

.......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my arse is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

I invested in a new idea...

...then lost everything when the details went public.

There are lots of commercials on TV selling diabetic metering devices. The big selling point seems to be, "...test on sites other than your fingers, and your fingers won't hurt any more."

Well, my money went to one that emphasized testing on the tip of your nose....