New dog

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him
"Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license,
I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said,
"But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine
years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a
strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the
minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I
said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my
whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't
want to hear about my personal life and would not
marry us in his church. I told him everyone would
enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were
married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is
barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the
dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told
the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and
a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the
motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't
understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The
clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the
competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I
told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You
don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on
TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to
fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I
had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I
was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking
all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I
was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I
said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next
Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and
had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever
foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my
first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has
been my best friend all my life but now it has left me
for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand
that sex isn't a man's best friend.
So why don't you get yourself a dog."

Hardware store revenge???

WARNING :

Only Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.



Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

.......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my arse is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

I invested in a new idea...

...then lost everything when the details went public.

There are lots of commercials on TV selling diabetic metering devices. The big selling point seems to be, "...test on sites other than your fingers, and your fingers won't hurt any more."

Well, my money went to one that emphasized testing on the tip of your nose....

I hate to post them all at one time...

But they were all saved together and it's Friday and I'm too lazy to cut them apart, so here's:

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,

why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses

are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Another reason I miss the desert

Snow on cactus and cholla:

Scenic views:

Mountain canyons:

And water in the rocks:

I always thought...

...spaghetti was a vegetable, soooo why is it people serve a vegetable with spaghetti?

Isn't it good enough all by itself?

Then again, there's always good ol' spaghetti-an-bacon:

But no matter how I serve it, I always end up the same!

Here's another idea...

Daytona's coming up.

Wanna have some fun and excitement? Run 1/2 of the cars the opposite direction and see who gets to the finish first - if anyone:

Boom!

Blizzard!

Yeah, all of the 'other' states got real snow and some sledding opportunities:

Others got 'inconvenienced':

South Carolina got a 'party opportunity':

A 'funny' thing happened at the airport...

"Funny" what you remember when trying to come up with something eye-catching or interesting.

During one particularly distressing assignment training new Air Force pilots, I had the occasion to take one young lad on a cross-country navigation training mission. We left the sunny slopes of welcoming Enid, Oklahoma and braved the elements all the way to Amarillo, Tx, where the military facilities are co-located with the commercial airport.

Not having the best of luck, our trusty steed broke down and left us stranded in the middle of the middle of nowhere! One quick phone call and we were instructed to pick up airline tickets at the only desk in the civilian part of the airport (it was also the military desk, but they had separate chairs!) and return via airliner. Our 'sick' transportation would be fixed and retrieved at some later date.

No one thought anything of it (it was, after all, 1976) and Osama and his boys were still in diapers, but we boarded the plane with our "carry-on" stuff, loaded it in the overhead bins and sat down to enjoy the ride. Of course our "carry-on" stuff was helmets and parachutes, but it only dawned on us about halfway home that we could possibly have been mis-interpreted.

I pulled down the window shade, asked for a blanket and hid for the rest of the 'trip' - there was nothing else to do. After all, we were liable for those things and couldn't leave them in the broken airplane - could we?

LIke I said, 'funny' what comes to mind....

Geeeze, I shoulda' thought of that...

...before entering politics. Some 'not-so-good' decorating ideas:

Then again - some artwork is easily overlooked:

Just how accurate...

...is this "Groundhog thingie" they push every year?

According to my calendar, it's not too precise.

If you turn the page on my calendar you see that Spring starts on the 20th of March (of course it IS a "Chick-fill-'er-up" calendar, so by not including Sundays it may not be too accurate in itself (inside joke - I'm still trying to get a Sunday dinner at the local one...).

By counting the days/weeks between Feb 2nd and Mar 20th, there seem to be 6 weeks and 4 days. Don't those 4 days count for anything? Any other time if you lose 4 days you'd be pretty pissed, wouldn't you? (especially for those extra 4 days before 'tax day' for a lot of you)

And what's the big deal anyway? 6 more weeks of winter if he sees his shadow, 6 weeks and 4 days whether he sees it or not, and 'right around the corner' if he doesn't see it. I'm starting to see a scam here - am I the only one? (Oh sure, you all knew about it, and just didn't tell me, right?)

This may take more research....

Well.....

Just when I finally got a Birthday cake....